


bye bye, yesterday

by nsykdk



Category: Ensemble Stars! (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Break Up, Getting Back Together, M/M, Non-Idol AU, lots of pain, the makoan is minor but it's gotta be there see, there's just. pain
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-11
Updated: 2020-07-11
Packaged: 2021-03-04 22:29:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,062
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25204000
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nsykdk/pseuds/nsykdk
Summary: Sometimes, it aches. And Hokuto lets it ache, lets it remind himself of his first and only mistake.Sometimes, the mistake is falling in love.Sometimes, the mistake is letting it go.
Relationships: Akehoshi Subaru/Hidaka Hokuto
Comments: 4
Kudos: 41





	bye bye, yesterday

**Author's Note:**

> oh my god. i'm in fucking pain this idea ripped through my body and then threw my remains into the bottom of the ocean so i was coerced by my evil doppelganger to write this PAINFUL piece so i could get my sanity back because it would NOT stop haunting me until i wrote this
> 
> anyway. breakup fic. you're welcome
> 
> title from official hige dandism's [yesterday](https://youtu.be/DuMqFknYHBs)

"Hey, 'scuse me!" Can you take a picture for us?" Subaru hands off his phone and takes Hokuto's hand, threads their fingers together. "Hokke, let's pose like this!"

He throws a peace sign matching Subaru's as the passerby snaps a photo for them, feeling Subaru's fingers warm in his palm.

"Another one!"

The world slows to a halt as Subaru smiles brilliantly in the corner of his eye, and Hokuto feels his breath catch in his throat; his own smile faltering. He's reaching over, fingers cold against Subaru's warm cheeks, and pressing a kiss to his lips before he can think any better.

"I love you," Hokuto whispers, even though it's just their first date, even though it's much too early to say such heavy things like _love_. But this feeling, this _happiness_ , Hokuto can't put a name to except for overflowing, bubbling love. He wants it to last forever, perfect like this.

"I love you too, Hokke," Subaru says, laughing against Hokuto's lips and kissing him again.

Later, he sets the picture as his phone lockscreen, the picture of them looking at each other like there's nothing else in the world. Because there isn't anything- _anything_ that can stop them from loving each other.

* * *

Those are the best one-and-a-half years of his life.

His high school days, coloured with the fresh young breeze of love, fluttering and scattering like cherry blossoms in the wind. Days where a single laugh brings the gentlest warmth to his heart, days where happiness can be measured in the brightness of a smile, days where kisses are exchanged like toppings from his bento and the answers to yesterday's homework.

Hokuto knows this: he knows he's devastatingly in love with this beautiful ray of sunshine, who loves him back just as unconditionally, and yet-

And yet, Hokuto cleaves Subaru from his life.

_"I'm going to study acting in London. I don't think we can keep this going."_

With those words, he shatters the happiness, _everything_ that's been made for them in this world, and leaves the shattered remains of his broken heart beside Subaru.

(Perhaps, if he'd looked back that day at the airport, he'd have seen Subaru, tears flowing from his eyes and so, so broken; he'd have heard the whisper of _"Come back, I love you, Hokuto."_ )

* * *

Hokuto likes to call it a fresh start, but really, all he's doing is giving himself an excuse to push everything behind him. His new peers are no short of amazing, either - so he numbs the pain by throwing his body and soul into his acting, carving away the unnecessary emotions and shipping them all the way back to Japan.

_"Is that your boyfriend on your phone lockscreen?"_

Sometimes, it hurts to answer that. It breaks him to answer, _"No. He's my ex."_

And his classmate will frown and think and say, _"So why do you still keep his picture?"_

_"It's a good picture."_

Sometimes, he tries to change it. Sometimes, he flicks through his camera roll, picks out a photo of the clear blue sky and sets it as his lockscreen. Sometimes, he hovers his finger over the red trashcan button, working up the courage to erase it permanently. But no matter what he does, no matter how many times he changes it, he never deletes it, and his phone lockscreen still ends up as that picture, the one of them smiling, happily in love, the night sky of their first date overhead.

Sometimes, it aches. And Hokuto lets it ache, lets it remind himself of his first and only mistake.

Sometimes, the mistake is falling in love.

Sometimes, the mistake is letting it go.

...And sometimes, just _sometimes_ , the mistake is still being stupidly, madly in love.

* * *

Four years.

Four years is the length of Hokuto's acting degree in London.

Four years, he tries to push his first love away.

Four years, he tells himself, _Subaru hates you now_.

Four years, yet he's kissed boys and girls and none of them have ever made him feel like there were butterflies in his stomach.

* * *

When Hokuto moves back to Japan, it all feels like a culture shock. There aren't lazy mornings any more; everything in Tokyo seems to be faster than he remembers, so he pushes pushes _pushes_ , acts like his entire life depends on it.

He's comfortable. He has enough money to support his grandmother. He has a roomy apartment - rare in busy Tokyo. He has a steady stream of directors coming to him to beg him to star in their new dramas. He sees his own commercials on television. People sometimes stop him on the street for an autograph.

Hokuto is thriving in the spotlight. There's no other way to put it: he has his life together, he's got his entire acting career in front of him. He's long since the days when the sound of laughter will ring incessantly in his mind, and when it does, he pushes it aside swiftly, easily.

This is what he's wanted from the beginning, right? His dream, to be a world-renowned actor.

He's had to sacrifice too many things to get here. Necessary sacrifices, like his first love - but he's over it now, there's never been time to dwell on trivial things like that.

(Or so he thinks.)

"Hokuto-kun?"

He'd recognise that voice anywhere. "...Anzu?"

She smiles, and somehow Hokuto is back in his second year of high school, five tables pushed together, the sound of raucous laughter filtering through the sunny windows, cherry trees swaying in the wind. Memories that he's long since forgotten begin to resurface - the brush of a warm hand, the sound of singing, that shade of clear blue-

_"Are you busy tonight? Want to get a coffee?"_

He sits across from her a while later in a cosy little cafe, a cup of coffee cradled in his cold hands. Anzu is chattering about how everyone's been, and Hokuto makes sure to nod at all the right moments. Funny how studying acting for years makes it all natural, because he doesn't have the heart to tell sweet Anzu that he's spent years repressing all of these memories for a reason.

He doesn't want to tell her that if he thinks about Subaru again, everything - the regret, the pain, the indescribably tight feeling in his chest that he won't call love - will all come rushing back to hit him.

"Actually, tonight, I was going to have dinner with everyone," she says happily, "and we thought we couldn't reach you because you were overseas, but this is amazing!"

"Sorry," Hokuto lies. "I've been busy."

If Anzu notices it, then she doesn't mention anything. "Are you still using the same phone number? I'll send you the address..."

* * *

In hindsight, Hokuto thinks, this was _not_ a good decision.

It's just one night.

Just one night.

Just for Anzu.

Before he even steps into the room, he hears it; laughter like the sound of bells chiming. Hokuto freezes, but Anzu tugs at his wrist into the light.

"Guys, I have a surprise for you!"

It's like the world stops with those blue eyes.

There's silence, the deafening sound of Hokuto's heartbeat, the screech in his mind to _run_. If something can instill the deepest fear in Hokuto's body, it's _this_ , the crushing weight of everything he's carefully, purposefully locked away and hidden the key to, being forced open in just the span of one breath.

(Subaru is still beautiful. _That_ hasn't changed.)

And then it's broken, with three smiles and, "Hey, Hokuto, it's been a while!"

Five is an awkward number to sit at a table with - either Hokuto's sitting next to Subaru, or he's directly across from him. He's awkwardly making his way over to sit when he realises he doesn't want to sit in _either_ spot. He wants to be home, alone in his apartment to look at the sea of blinking lights that is Tokyo.

But Anzu makes him sit anyway, taking the seat next to Makoto and gesturing to the free spot beside Subaru. Hokuto isn't sure how he doesn't notice the ring on her finger earlier, how Makoto subtly leans closer beside her and how she seems to smile brighter in his presence. To that, he notes Mao's new suit is immaculate; Subaru- even Subaru is sporting a new hairstyle and a piercing or two.

Strange, how everyone seems to have changed and Hokuto's still stuck in the past.

It's easy to slip into old habits with beer and food; laughing like it hasn't been years. It's all fine - as long as he doesn't look at Subaru, as long as he doesn't remember how _"Akehoshi"_ sounds on his tongue.

Hokuto's been acting for this long. Surely, he thinks, just putting up a front for one night-

"D'you want some more beer, Hokke? 's still okay to call you Hokke, right?"

"I'm fine," Hokuto's saying, but Subaru begins to lean over with the pitcher anyway, and it's _that_ exact moment that his manager decides to send a message about next week's plans, lighting up his phone.

Subaru freezes. Beer sloshes onto the table.

It's too late to cover for his mistake now - not now that Subaru's seen, and panic rushes all through Hokuto's body too fast.

He knows.

He _knows_.

_"Come with me."_

* * *

The cool air is refreshing on Hokuto's flushed cheeks, but his heart pounds at a million beats per minute, the grip on his wrist hard enough to bruise. His manager won't like that, but he doesn't have the heart, either, to shake off Subaru.

Not when he owes an explanation.

When Subaru lets go, they're in a shrouded little enclose, a tiny grassy area in the bustle of the streets of Tokyo. There's the sound of cars honking, chatter and hurried steps, but there's also nothing, just the sound of harsh breathing. He's barely holding back tears in his watery eyes, and all Hokuto wants to do is to wipe them away.

"Why is that picture still your lockscreen?"

For once, Hokuto doesn't know how to answer. Should he say that it's in repentance for his sins? Out of spite for himself?

"Tell me, Hokke," Subaru growls, grabbing the front of Hokuto's shirt, a stray tear slipping down his cheek. "And if you can't, at _least_ tell me if I can give up on you!"

It hurts.

"Don't think you can just _toy_ with my heart like this and pretend it's nothing, _Hokuto_ -" Subaru chokes, and tears tumble down his cheeks relentlessly. "These _past five years_ , I've tried so hard to forget how much you _hurt_ me, and now you show up like this, with _my_ picture-"

Still being in love with him hurts.

Yet-

"I'm sorry."

It's the only thing Hokuto can say. All these years - pushing away his first love for the cold and lonely darkness of his top-floor apartment, the acted kisses that taste like bile on his tongue, the deep, deep hole in his heart, when he could have had Subaru, had the brightness of sunshine on his lips and warm fingers in his own. Hokuto had thrown it all away, for this life of dull misery.

"I'm sorry for pushing you away," Hokuto says again, and he feels his words choking up in his throat. When he looks up at Subaru, all he sees is a blurry, watery orange. "I'm sorry, Akehoshi. It's always been my biggest regret."

For a long while, there's silence. He wonders if Subaru will forgive him for breaking both of their hearts five years ago. If he'll allow Hokuto to try again.

"Hokke," Subaru breathes, quietly, _finally_ , "I'm gonna kiss you. And if you hate it, feel free to beat my face in."

And slowly, the world slips away, as warm fingers brush tear-stained cheeks, and Hokuto tastes sunshine.

Somehow, it's everything. It's tears falling, it's chapped lips and it's _perfect_. It's familiar: terrifyingly so, but so strangely new; it sends pain shooting through Hokuto's chest, but accompanied with the most freeing lightness. It's everything Hokuto has ever wanted- no, _needed_.

"I'm sorry," he repeats when it's all over, breathless and broken, "can we start over again?"

Subaru smiles, lips wobbling and tears spilling once again, and it's the most beautiful thing in the world.

It's the most beautiful thing in the world, and Hokuto is _still_ in love with it.

_"Yes."_

**Author's Note:**

> jesus fuck i'm sorry
> 
> [twitter](https://twitter.com/subahokke) because i'm fucking dumbass


End file.
